i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
false alarm. still invincible.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
