Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
