Don't make out with my wife yet
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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