God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
