I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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