The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I party with great urgency now.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
