Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
