Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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