I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
