Michael Bay diarrhea
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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