he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
