I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
why do cheetos always look like penises
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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