Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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