just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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