you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
