Umm I'm too high to move.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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