Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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