The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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