Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
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please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
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Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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