My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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