booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
