how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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