I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
