Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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