He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
