Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
then he tried to convert me to islam
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
