i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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