Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
