Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
