I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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