Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
