I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
