I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I need moral support for this bender
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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