i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
