I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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