Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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