I cut my penus on the lid.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
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I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
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im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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