I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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