apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize