I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
