i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
