Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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