Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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