Just cropdusted the office
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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