God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
