well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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