Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
