When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
