So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
not ubering you a puppy
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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