His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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