In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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