So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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