Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
