Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
