I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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